They'll Swallow More Learning if You Sugar-coat It

Jester Slim

Following the lead of the Council on Foreign Relations, a task force convened by the National Fructose Association and the American Academy of Confectioners and co-chaired by Rosanne Barr and Willy Wonka has issued a path-breaking report on American education—recommending use of some bold (and necessary) change-agents. The panel laid out a savory strategy of rewards-based learning: U.S. schools should serve more sweets both during lunch and at snack time. Students who score above average on exams should be rewarded with Snickers bars (or M&Ms for those sad-sacks with peanut allergies). Earning an A makes your candy bar king-sized. They observed that sugary foods boost energy levels as well as kids’ motivation to learn. During a press call held on the date of report release, the task force brushed off questions about Type 2 diabetes as “fabrications and scaremongering from the same people who brought us Obamacare.” Insinuations that this program of “treat giving” closely resembled tactics for training puppies were also poo-pooed.

Peter Griffin, Eric Cartman, Yogi Bear, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus, They'll Swallow More Learning if You Sugar-coat It (Topeka, KS: National Fructose Association; McAllen, TX: American Academy of Confectioners, April 2012).

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