Universal pre-K sends 200 million Americans back to school

Harry’s Purple Crayon

A recent re-analysis of the Head Start Act of 1981, which significantly expanded the eligibility requirements of federally funded pre-Kindergarten, revealed a startling loophole that has nearly two in three Americans trading in their Outlook accounts and Crackberries for Green Eggs and Ham and naptime: It was recently revealed that the law does not specify a maximum age of enrollment (see sec. 645. [42 U.S.C. 9840] (b)). Recent publicity afforded this otherwise buried statute has resulted in an unexpected turn: Nearly 200 million U.S. adults have gone back to preschool.

Those who have enrolled cite numerous benefits: Justin Baker, a civil engineer in Denver, CO, related, “During play time, we’ve experimented with different types of building blocks. We’ve learned that structures made of Lego are more durable than those made of Lincoln Logs. Plus, there’s Play-Doh!” Ellen Shaw, a lawyer in San Diego, CA, enthused, “I’m learning skills I never was never taught in law school, like how to work out problems before suing someone over them.”

Although some parents of three- and four-year-olds expressed concern that the influx of larger students put their kids at a disadvantage in time-honored games like Duck, Duck, Goose, and though a handful of employers worried about the loss of productivity as employees take leave from their jobs to go back to school, the overall reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. According to Los Angeles Unified School District Superintendent John Greasy, “Three months of pre-K and our teachers now know that they can’t just throw a tantrum to get what they want? I’d say it’s worth it!”

Duck Duck Goose

RELATED ARTICLE: Hal E. Luya, “Accountants and actuaries amazed at the efficiency of counting on fingers,” Mall Feet Journal, March 24, 2013.

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