Fordham boils over

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Potte Keddle

Following a series of high-profile Fordham Institute studies that have tackled such controversial topics as teacher absenteeism, school discipline, and the merits of online charters, staff are urging President Mike Petrilli to take it down a notch.

"Not every report can or should be a five-alarm fire," argued Editorial Director, Brandan Wrong, in remarks that were quickly echoed by several other staff.

“Yeah. Some of us are millennials,” added Communications Associate, Antonio Nguyen. “And this is very not woke.”

"I just want to do something substantive, like the rising costs of pupil backpacks," added Ohio Research Director, Aaron Churchmound. "Why does everything around here have to be such a circus!?”

Like other members of the research team, Danny Griffith, Senior Research and Policy Associate, pointed to Petrilli’s well-documented affinity for the spotlight.

“Mike sees something bright and shiny that’s virtually guaranteed to piss off a bunch of  ‘snowflakes’ and says ‘Let’s do this for all fifty states and then tweet about it, so we can hit our metrics!’” Griffith observed. “The first time, it’s exhilarating—liberating even. But by the fourth or fifth time, you’re like ‘Man, I’m a freakin’ Democrat. I don’t want this to be the last place I work.’”

"Exactly. Boring is beautiful," agreed Director of External Relations, Clarissa Schwenk. But not everyone saw it that way.

“From a pure numbers standpoint, controversy is good,” cautioned Gerry LaSelle, Vice President for Finance and Operations. “The only alternatives are to fire people or to go full libertarian.”

In an attempt to placate the staff, Petrilli promised everyone a raise if his new crowdfunding initiative in Arkansas proved successful.