External Author Name: 
Ivanna B. Rich

The gauntlet was truly thrown when charter tycoon Eva Moskowitz issued a public challenge to fellow New Yorker Chris Whittle. In the latest battle for rich-kid enrollment, Moskowitz insists that charters will prevail over private schools. “Chris is charging parents a zillion-dollar tuition for his Avenues Schools venture,” she said. “But there’s no rational reason that rich people should pay for their own children’s plush educations when taxpayers are perfectly willing to foot the bill. My charters,” she declared, “with their IB curricula and teachers swiped from Andover and Choate—not to mention climbing walls, on-campus spas, water-polo facilities, and vegan dining options—come with all the amenities of Avenues without the personal price tag.”

“I welcome the competition,” snarled the usually affable Whittle, while sorting through his ascot collection. “Despite Eva’s claim that her charters provide everything, she’s going to have to hire expert lobbyists to amend state charter laws or else charge parents fees for the horseback-riding instruction, flying lessons, and personal valets. My schools are truly all-inclusive, and parents will happily pony up for pony lessons. Besides, my schools are now importing math and science teachers from Singapore and Shanghai. Astute families appreciate the added value.”

“Trust me, rich folks got that way by being smart about money,” replied Moskowitz during an interview on her yacht. “Chris doesn’t appreciate the marvelously regressive effect of my publicly financed schools. Wealthy parents will seize this opportunity—and the political base for charter schools will widen accordingly. I learned a lot in Cobble Hill.”

Sources familiar with expansion plans at Success Academy Charter Schools report that realtors are currently seeking suitable properties in Beverly Hills, Scarsdale, Winnetka, Wellesley, and Scottsdale.

RELATED ARTICLE: Howard Cosell, “Welcome to the main event,” Old Pork Times, March 25, 2013.

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