External Author Name: 
Vladimir Gompers

It was yet another difficult week for Karen Lewis, whose recent rhetoric has her own flock calling for her head.

Math teachers United in Resenting Dumb Education Reform (MURDER) and Secondary Teachers After Blood (STAB) joined hands in protest on Wednesday outside Chicago City Hall, urging the teaching proletariat not to be taken in by Lewis’s “corporate-style” labor strikes. The past month has seen mounting dissatisfaction with what many crazed, leftist agitators perceive to be her massive—er, passive—leadership and supposed ties to Wall Street. (Sources have implicated her as possessor of a public pension, which may include so-called “investments.”) In a recent Mother Smith article, STAB executive director Mike Clownsky declared, “Ms. Lewis clearly lacks dedication. While she's half-heartedly suggesting that we decapitate the corporate pawns, we're in the streets pulling out their entrails and hanging them from the walls of school buildings. With her, it’s always too little, too late.”

In front of a riotous gathering of hopped-up educators and Hessian mercenaries, representatives from STAB and MURDER read from their list of demands:

  • Classes no bigger than eight kids
  • Tenure after one year of teaching (rounding up any partial years)
  • Rahm Emanuel’s head on a plate
  • Rahm Emanuel’s hide as a coat
  • Rahm Emanuel’s ears on a cat
  • Ten-year moratorium on standardized testing
  • Free ponies for all

Reacting to these events (and to Clownsky’s declaration that the ghost of Hugo Chavez—or, for that matter, Cesar Chavez—would be a better leader for the CTU than Ms. Lewis), Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced (from his ski chateau) his decision to close all Chicago public schools and recommended that any education-minded families who remain in town engage in home schooling. Karen Lewis—reportedly barricaded in a bomb shelter and subsisting on Spam—could not be reached for comment.

RELATED ARTICLE: Romper McFlomper, “If you give a union a cookie…Chicago Fun-Times, March 25, 2013.

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